Category Archives: Adventures of Joeboben

A Little Bit Of Nostalgia Plus Slade

So, as some of you know, I haven’t had internet up until Tuesday. Then I had an emergency later that day and Thursday was an important day for everyone, but me. So here I am on Friday, after a long drought. No need to talk about my life just yet, since I still need to post everything, so I’m probably going to…post everything. You know, just get it out the way. Then I’ll only have to worry about writing new things. So, without further ado, Adventures of Joeboben Pt.2…I guess that what I’ll call it to keep things simple, since a name was never created. Rereading this one, I realized that these writings have way too many references for the average reader. But, whatever. Maybe one day, someone will be able to catch some of these… (Original post date: 4-2-11)

 

It has been pretty rough lately.  I mean, I’m actually tired of all the attention.  Lately, people have been following me and calling out my name and sometimes even calling me other names just to show their love.  ”Joeboben, come back here!”  ”Haha, we’ve finally found you, Joeboben!”  I don’t understand why they have to charge at me all at once, though.  It was flattering at first, but it’s whatever now.  I visited a new town yesterday.  This one is actually a bit crowded, but at least no one knows who I am.  Despite how much louder it is than what I am used to, I can easily call it…peacefully annoying.

There are some strange characters around here: people eating hotdogs with toppings other than ketchup and mustard, people apparently leaving their keys in their car, so they have to forcefully get in…usually by like breaking the window.  I guess there’s no cheaper alternative in these parts.  I helped a young man get back into his home; he apparently locked his keys inside and that window was the only available entrance. They also have a weird way to playing.  Some guy took this lady’s bag and ran off, while the lady waves at him, while shouting obscenities.  I’m not sure why she looks at me as if I stole something from her.  I mean, I guess this place would be normal if these people were like criminals or something.

Probably the most normal person around here was a boy that was decently short and didn’t look malnourished at all.  He had a baseball cap. a baseball bat leaned against his shoulder, a striped t-shirt, and was walking with some dog.  There was no glove, so I guess they are going to play fetch instead.  Some innate feeling told me to talk to this person and my instinct usually leads me in a quite choice direction.  ”Yo, kid!”  He glared at me as if he were about to blast me away with a psychic attack dubbed after his favorite activity.  He then smiled and walked in my general direction.  ”My name is Joeboben,  I hail from…” He walks to the chicken stand behind me and demands them to make a chicken sandwich.  The lady pulled a sandwich from inside her cart and an already prepared monstrosity smothered in barbecue sauce was presented to the boy.  I don’t know how these places always know exactly what everyone wants ahead of time.

He later walks over to me, since I decided to waste a decent portion of my time standing in place, looks me up and down, then states that his name is Slade.  ”That’s a pretty boss name.”  I wanted to say that in my head, but nothing happens the way I want it to.  ”You’re dressed funny…well not really funny, but just…plain.”  He continues to stare while attempting to leave no trace of his midday lunch.  He giggles in a sort of childish way and his entire demeanor changes.  He notices my “tools” and asks what style I was trained in.  ”Style?  I don’t know any styles.  I just consider myself, true.”  Pedestrians stopped and decided to stare at me for a few moments before doubling their previous paces as if my repertoire magically spawned onto my back.  ”So, you want to spar sometime?”  I decided this guy could be a threat to my mad skills, so I response was of course, “Affirmative.”

Spending the next few days together, we caused a bit of havoc around the surrounding area.  Authoritative figures quickly burned our faces into their minds and if they even thought we were around, they took action.  It wasn’t like we were breaking the law or doing anything harmful, we were just…I guess…very disruptive because of our long, drawn out conversations that usually resulted in random, boisterous arguments.  ”Officer, there’s a huge ruckus in the square…The topic you ask?  Well, apparently, baseball bats aren’t in this season…”  The rockets flared.  Baseball bats were apparently totally in that season and they sent seemingly some of their best men to take care of us. “To be continued…”

Apparently, we distracted them from the real threats to society, so in order to end our reign of ruining their proud, sane city, they decided to separate us.  Offering Slade an offer he couldn’t refuse, I was one, once again.  I don’t understand why I didn’t receive the offer though, but whatever.  I decided to travel elsewhere, so I waited until sunset and walked in the general direction of the sun.  Despite the numerous amounts of sunrises I have romantically, but non-homoishly spent with Slade, I never once got that sparring session.  Whatever though.

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With Nothing But Sunshine Ahead, Enter ________?

This was my 48th entry on my old blog. I had no idea I wrote all that random stuff on there, lol. I was pretty wild 3 years ago, I read one post and I was super rude to someone… Glad I changed…slightly.  Anyway, this particular story is my first public short short story. I wrote it randomly and showed a couple of people it and it’s apparently a fan favorite. I’ve once heard “This story is good, but not nearly as good as that first one you wrote.” That awkward moment when a comment makes you proud and disappointed at the same time. Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy. (Original post date: 3-9-11)

 

Hey you, STOP!”  A shoe salesman of considerable size can be seen sprinting down the alley, leaving behind a yellow plume of dust.  ”Man, he’s fast…”  The thief was so sure about his incredible speed until today.  With each step follows a heavy gasp for air; his speed is never decreased.  Now, you may be thinking that this is the hero of this epic story(not to be confused with an epic poem; no relation) and you could be correct, but let’s continue and see. The thief was finally making some distance between him and his pursuer, but there, yes there, ahead of him was…a dead end!  A pretty fine arrangement of bricks stood in the way of sure freedom and ghastly oblivion.  Surely, good will prevail over evil today.  ”Son of a…” The thief kept running despite the trap which lies ahead.  ”HA” Sadly, the readers do not get to see the act of retribution today as the thief makes a sharp left turn at the intersection.  If only this were some kind of animated series…the dead end would have surely worked.  No one seems to be able to turn left or right in those things.  

“Ok, I believe I can get out of this safely,” exclaimed the thief, but a dark shadow blots out the sun in this unbelievably bright alley.  Further believing in his speed, he somehow gathers enough strength to take it to the next level.  He no longer heard following footsteps, but just a bunch of wooshes. Faster…faster he goes, but the tailed shadow will not stop.  ”Now, I’ve caught you!”  Now, it can’t be the salesman, so who could it be?  The shadow finally starts to become something more than just a disfigured silhouette.  A rather obese, tall, and  actually quite ravishing individual lands immediately behind the thief.  ”You shall pay for what you have done!”  ”What exactly did I do?,” asks the thief, seemingly trying to buy some time to think of a masterful plan.  The third member of our story exclaimed “Well, you obviously stole something.  I believe it’s time wheeze to pay for your huff puff actions.”  The thief shifts into top gear, and the second pursuer seems to be losing his footing on him also…but then, again, a dead end.  The thief looked to his left…then to his right.  This time… “There is no escape, deep breath sir.  Admit defeat.”  The new guy is breathing as if he just ran a true marathon(Approximately 26 miles).

The thief looked hopeless, but smirked.  He obviously had a devious plan.  ”Alright, time to finally test this out.”  The caped man(Yes, he was wearing a cape.  Didn’t I mention this?) looked confused, as he should be.  “Shinkuu HADOUKEN!” The thief roared while facing the wall and having his palms thrusted out with the base of them touching.  His fingers were curled and his arms extended.  The spectator watched as nothing happened as though it was the single most amazing thing in life to ever happen.  The thief has failed his marvelous display of skill.  ”Well, it was worth a shot, I actually didn’t steal anything.”  The guy obviously didn’t believe him and took a stance that seemed like after he took action, it would pummel his foe into the earth from which he stood.  ”You will not be forgiven.” Just as he began to thrust his elbow forward(I mean, really?)  the shopkeeper somehow made it as if he knew exactly where they would be, even though he was left way behind. “Yes, we all know you are lying” he spoke as if more than two people were there and he somehow heard the conversation before he made it to the rest of the party.

The thief looked worried, then angry.  ”I told you I didn’t steal anything.  What exactly is your shop missing?”  Baffled, the shopkeeper remembered he didn’t actually see him stealing anything.  The newly formed party make it back to the shop and the shopkeeper watches his security camera tape, with the others standing in the back with the mighty power of ADHD. “Umm, can you guys pay attention for even one second?  The “thief” was telling the truth.  He didn’t steal anything.”  ”Then what did I just burn approximately 1,000 calories for?…give or take, of course.”  The hero, disappointed, sulks and walks out the shop.  ”Man, I’ve been following this guy for a week, because of all the shopkeepers around here chasing that boy daily, claiming he stole something.  What if he never stole anything?”  The imaginary cameras in your brain lose focus and begin to pan over to the “thief” as that loser we just left is not the protagonist.  Probably was a waste of space for this story.  ”What is your name boy and why are you terrorizing all the shops in the area?  I keep hearing about you and thought I would be the one to finally catch you. Do you know how much publicity I would have received for my store?”  The boy spoke…while looking slightly worried “They call me, ‘That One Average Guy.’  I really don’t know what this writer wanted to call me(oh snap, fourth wall…broken) but since I was called an average guy, I decided to dub myself Joeboben.  And my purpose?  Well, I just wanted to increase my running speed by taunting the fastest people in the vicinity.  It has actually worked out quite well, as you can see…or rather… feel HAHAHA!”  ”GET OUT MY SHOP!”  The shopkeeper roared, but he couldn’t keep a straight face at all; he knew that mess was funny. Joeboben, the man of pure averageness, takes off running, while smiling.  Based simply off the turn of events that has happened to him today, he knew that life would be quite grand for days to come.  You actually do not notice him because he is just so average and the daffodils around him are increasingly more interesting…mainly because he fades off into the darkness…at least in your imaginary brain camera.

“Well, one other thing. *BOOM* (The closing quotation mark exploded)  I am taking over as narrator, so I have no use for such atrocities anymore.  I am Joeboben and you will listen to what I have to say.  No longer will you see italics, no longer will anything be explained, no longer will I say ”no longer” after this.  Stay tuned, because Joeboben has been entered and you will not have to waitany longer.

~Teh Frank